Scared wordless

2004-04-11 at 3:39 a.m.

I wonder if its normal to be so freaked out three days before buying a house. I'm just so afraid everything will go terribly, terribly wrong. Last minute our realtor will call and go "just kidding!" Now you're out 2000 dollars and have nothing to show for it except heartbreak. Hahahahahahaha.

I scare myself.

I ran into my downstairs neighbor at Ihop after 2 am today. Its very awkward because I pretended I didn't know her, and she pretended she didn't know me. I hate that we have to put up such illusions simply because she's a wrangler and cowboy hat girl drunk coming straight from Ropers (a club for line dancing and Corona, eww) and I'm a 8g earred poloed girl straight from work. Its like living above an alien, sometimes. I just wish I could go "HI! Did you find your cat yet? I'm still looking for Ol' Stubby, but I haven't seen him." Which, if I did, she'd go "Do I know you, crazy bitch?" because I see her out all the time, and never have we had eye contact or conversation. Yet if I pass downstairs its like being in Middle school, ye ground of confessionals. "I feel so alone!" "Hang in there, you know you're a good person, someone will see it and be always thinking of you soon" blah blah.

Yes, so even though I have to be at work in less then 9 hours, and then I will work a 10-12 hour day (until they notice I'm still there and make me leave) I cannot sleep. Its the freaked out part. But, how do you tell other people that are "Um, I still live with my parents." and "Um, I just got my own apartment and I got my couch off the curb and my parents bought me a microwave" that you are nervous about buying a house? Ya can't! There is no symphony. My mother just gets sentimental and suddenly goes into "You're so young! it seems like only a year ago you were in dipers" and doesn't understand what I'm so worried about. But... I'm 20 years old, i work in retail and somehow I'm getting a house. It makes me think other people are messed up and I am not for being where I am. or that I am messed up and other people have the right of it. I don't know. But I found out today that if you sell plasma, you get 50 dollars a week. Its very nifty. I thought it was only 20. So perhaps I don't have to do experimental pain medication to eat for the next few months. that helped my stress level a bit. And they can hold the money for you. So if I just kept going, and had them account the money for me, in 2 years of just selling essence of myself, I could buy a car! K at ihop was telling me her aunt has been going for years upon years. She has 30,000 in an account there. She's using plasma as her retirement money. Frankly, that is pretty cool.

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